


seeing someday

by jessamoo



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-13
Updated: 2014-10-13
Packaged: 2018-02-21 00:50:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2449202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jessamoo/pseuds/jessamoo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>for the prompt "Kim has a pregnancy scare and Adam freaks out"</p>
            </blockquote>





	seeing someday

She’s sat stock still staring at the white tiles on the bathroom floor, watching them blur as her focus slips in and out.

The too bright, artificial light in there hums and the lid of the toilet is cold underneath her legs. She had worn shorts and a vest to bed, warmed and comforted by Adam sleeping beside her. Now though, she welcomes the shiver of the early morning air. She knows that is not the reason for her hands shaking though, as she rubs them down her bare legs nervously.

She tries to take calm, steadying breaths. It almost works. She almost convinces herself not to panic, but she cant control her heart, pumping painfully loud in her chest.  
She had picked a time before the sun came up. It was dark and quiet and she felt suddenly alone.

 

Despite her best efforts not to wake him, she sees a flicker of light from the lamp beside the bed being turned on. Knowing what was coming, she stares at the ground, as if she can block him out completely. She doesn't look at him properly, but out of the corner of her eye she sees him lean casually on the door frame. Her fingers tighten painfully where she grips the toilets edge.

“What are you doing in here?” Adam asks her. His tone is just curious – she feels herself soften slightly. She blinks to look at him properly but cant bring herself to reply. She knows when she explains everything will shatter. The quiet of the night will erupt in fear, and she doesn’t know if she’s prepared for that. At least not with him, not yet. She tried to gather herself, tried to stay In control. But she doesn’t know how to do that without staying quiet.

When he finally realises she really isn't going to answer he stands up properly, concern flooding his face. “Babe, you OK?” He asks gently, moving to perch on the edge of the bath in front of her. He cocks his head close to hers, forcing her to look up at him finally.

She looks at him sympathetically. He doesn’t know yet, he doesn’t feel the fear she feels right then. He doesn’t feel the precipice she stands on, the feeling in the air that her life, that she had so meticulously envisioned and planned for, was possibly about to be irrevocably altered. She knows she has to place that feeling on him now, and she hates it. So she looks at him properly, studying his face. One last time, maybe. She doesn’t know how they move forward from this moment in this tiny room with a flickering light. 

When all she can do is shake her head at him he frowns in worry. He takes hold of her hands and is about to speak when he happens to glance upwards, to the cistern behind her. 

She sees the exact moment he understands what is happening. She sees the colour drain from his face, and her eyes press closed tightly in sadness.

“Oh shit.” He whispers, his eyes wide and searching for answers that she didn’t know how to give. “Oh…shit, what…what?” he breathes heavily, growing more frantic with every fractured word he manages to get out. 

He drops her hands and raises them to his head, standing up. He starts pacing in confusion, shaking his head.

“How did this happen?” he cries at her. She knows he’s freaking out, but his tone comes out accusatory and she scowls up at him then. She feels just as scared as him, maybe even more so. But as his fear comes out in animated bursts, hers comes out as a terrifying numbness, even toward him right then.

“It's fine.” She mutters sullenly. She isn't trying to soothe him, she just doesn’t want to hear his exclamations, piercing her quiet world she had placed herself in to get through this.

“No it’s! – “ he shouts then closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “No it is not.” He intones a little more steadily, but still with a hint of frustration in his voice. “We were careful we were definitely careful, I was careful.” He hurries, and she isn't really listening. She had experienced all this for herself already. Now it was like watching it on repeat.

“I was careful too.” She snaps up at him and he spreads his arms out in question with a perplexed expression. “No birth control is a hundred percent effective.” She recites, remembering what the patronizing woman in the store had said to her in a sickly sweet voice when she bought the pregnancy test currently sitting auspiciously behind her.

“That’s – that’s what they always say, that doesn't mean anything Kim!” he cries. And she knows. She wants to say more. She wants magic words that will stop them both falling apart, falling without each other, but she herself doesn’t have the answers.

“oh, Jesus. I cannot deal with this.” he’s shaking his head, as if trying to decide what to do next. That’s when she really realises that the thing she had feared was going to happen. She stands up warily then, careful to keep a distance between them, which is difficult given the size of the bathroom.

“Adam – I mean I know it sucks but we can…we can just talk and – “ she stutters, emotion suddenly clouding her voice. She had wanted him to be quiet and comforting – but now, faced with the prospect of his walking away from her, she clings to the boldness of him. She stretches her fingers out toward him and he steps away, still shaking his head, trying to rid himself of this. "You can't just up and leave!" She yells incredulously, not daring to believe this was seriously happening.

“I'm sorry I just cant right now.” He chokes out shakily. He sees her face fall and her hands run raggedly through her hair. He hesitates, just once, before carrying on. “I'm sorry.” He states again guiltily.

And then he’s gone, like he was never there. She collapses back down where he had been sat, and she finally lets her fear and loss overtake her in a sudden flood of tears.

 

She’s shoving her things in her locker with far more force than was strictly necessary. She slams the locker shut, and she wants to keep slamming it, or punching it, or something, anything. She feels like she has a fire inside of her that she cant contain and she needs to let it out somehow. 

She tried to imagine something inside of her, placing a hand on her flat stomach. It seemed impossible for it to ever contain something so precious and fathomless as a life.

 

She stiffens as she hears footsteps behind her, and she knows from the way they pause nervously in the doorway that its him. She refuses to let herself acknowledge him until he clears his throat. She rolls her eyes and turns to glare at him. He accepts the glare good naturedly knowing it was fully justified.

“I shouldn't have left you this morning.” He admits plainly.

Kim turns to face him properly with her arms crossed angrily. She begins to tap her foot impatiently, raising an eyebrow expectantly.

“And?” She growls.

“And…” he starts moving in to the room. “And I decided there was no point in making things worse until I know for sure.” He comes to a stop in front of her and she sees him square his shoulders, bracing himself. “So?” he asks finally, looking at her in the eyes. He’s waiting and she sets her lips firmly.

“So what?” she retorts. She knows she’s being childish now but she is so angry with him for walking out that morning and she isn't going to let it go that easily.

She watches his stare at the ceiling in barely controlled exasperation before rolling his neck and looking back at her. “So…are you…you know?”

“you can say pregnant, Adam.” She rolls her eyes.

“Are you pregnant?!” he bursts, then quickly checks behind him to make sure no one heard. “Are you pregnant?” he asks more quietly this time. 

He’s looking at her so earnestly she cant help but feel bad. But a part of her pushes it down, and she forces herself to shrug with a nonchalance she doesn't feel. “I don’t know.” She replies flippantly, pushing past him.

He grabs hold of her arm then, pulling her back to face him. “What do you mean you don’t know?”

She tugs her arm back forcibly and replies as she retreats away from him. “I was so concerned in the fact that I was utterly alone that I forgot to check.” She spits before disappearing around a corner, not waiting to see his reaction.

 

They avoid each other that day – or at least she avoids him. She feels his gaze on her though, she can sense him hovering around her. She knows he’s concerned for her by the way he’s looking at her. She tries to throw herself into her work but his constant presence is a reminder of the fact they had a shadow over them. She doesn’t want to think about it, she doesn’t want to face the idea of the rest of her life with or without, him or a baby. She doesn’t want everything to fall apart. She’s in limbo, terrified of looking at that tiny stick in that tiny room, in her cluttered shoebox apartment. How can something so small change the course of a whole life?

 

He finally corners her again when she’s buying food and coffee from the vendor outside. The cold breeze in the air creeps in uncomfortably through her thin jacket and there is a steady bustle of people on the streets.

He approaches her with a small smile, a peace making smile. Kim softens and lets her guard down now – she doesn’t have the strength right then to start a fight with him, and she decided maybe he had been punished enough for that morning. They had both been scared, and he had reacted impulsively. She couldn’t blame him for that, she had just let her emotions get the better of her.

“Truce?” he asks playfully, but still hesitant.

She nods, staring down at her coffee a little guiltily. He settles in next to her and a comfortable silence settles on them.

“Sorry.” She mumbles. “About the locker room. I know you were trying to be…you know, OK about this.”

“Don’t say sorry, I deserved it. I freaked out…like a typical guy. I always said I wouldn't be that guy you know?” she hears him reprimanding himself angrily and she nudges him.

“Its fine. Its natural. I should have checked it.” She waves her hand disparately.

 

He’s about to reply when there is a sharp shove to her shoulder as someone elbows past her rudely. 

“Hey!” Adam calls after the guy angrily. He moves in front of her protectively, staring the man down. “Wanna watch where your going?” 

Kim places a hand on his chest to pull him back to her. “Hey its OK.” She looks back and forth from his to the man that moves on slowly, retreating from Adam’s scowl.

He turns back to her then, his expression strained and earnest. “Are you OK?” he asks hurriedly, frowning worriedly at her. He puts his hands on her protectively, one resting on her side, just by her stomach. She doesn’t think he even realises the meaning of this gesture as his fingers stretch over her stomach on instinct.

“I’m fine.” She nods reassuringly, her hand resting on his arm. She smiles up at him, their arguments forgotten in the moment.

They go back inside and she doesn’t mention his touch, as he appears to not even have thought about it. It comforts her though, to know some kind of instinct has settled in him for the possibility of fatherhood. It serves to make her a little less afraid.

 

He gets home later than her, using the spare key to her apartment that she had given him ceremoniously two months before. She didn’t have the luxury of paperwork to file as an excuse not to go home straight away. And so she had paces and waited for him in the low evening light.

“Hey.” he’s standing in the doorway again when she hears him, and she stills to look at him shyly.

“Just sit down a minute, OK? I'm going to talk.” He asks and when she starts to talk, he holds his hand up. “Please let me just get this out?” he asks, and he sounds so desperate and nervous that she cant help but reply to his request.

She sits on the sofa, crossing her legs and he moves to sit beside her, leaning his elbows against his own legs, his chin in his hands, as if he’s readying himself to recite something. and he most likely is.

“When I was with Wendy…” he starts and she must have let out a small noise because he nods. “I know, I know. But when I was with her, I never thought about this stuff. I mean, we had some scares – but we always resolved them quick enough for me to know think about it too much. That sounds bad, I know, but what can I say?”

He clears his throat, finding his pace now and she listens patiently, despite wanting to jump in whenever he paused. “And even though I proposed to her…it was mostly because it seemed like that was what you did after that amount of time together. It wasn’t a sudden flash of ‘I wanna marry this chick’ it was just…a progression. And I asked when I was still in the academy. We were always going to put it off until I got my feet on the ground as a cop…so it always seemed far away. It didn’t seem real. Not the way this does…I didn’t feel about her the way I do about you. with her it was easy and friendly – and I did love her, but it wasn’t like this. I hid parts of myself – parts that you just saw, straight away.” He looks up at her then to convince her and she nods her understanding.

He takes hold of her hands. “I think I was scared today because obviously, a baby is a huge deal. But…maybe also because I could see it – some kind of future like that. I could see that with you like I never could with anyone else, even Wendy. Maybe not right now, but someday. I saw a someday, clearly, and I didn’t know how to see that yet. I wasn’t prepared to feel like that so soon after breaking up with my fiancée.” He shrugs and she tightens her grip on his hands, feeling emotion well up on her as he plays absently, twirling her fingers with his own.

“So…I guess what I’m trying to say is that…I will be here. Whatever you decide, nothing changes with us. Nothing. OK?” he asks. He’s looking at her for a response.

He looks at her warily when she smiles widely and moves to place her hands on his shoulders.

“That is very sweet of you to say.” She grins. “and I’m glad to know it – all of it. But I’m not pregnant.”

His eyes widen and he is silent for a brief, unsure moment. His hands move to hover by her arms. “You’re really not?”

She shakes her head with a laugh and his head drops in relief.

“Oh thank god!” he cries. “I mean I meant it all – but thank god because I am so not ready for a baby!”

“Me either!” she cries shaking her head incredulously and she leans forward to kiss him happily. His hands move to her face to pull her closer for a moment, then away from him to look at her properly.

“Do you wanna go have very careful, very protected sex?” he grins and she nods excitedly.

She lets out a squeal as he grabs her and carries her to the bedroom with a laugh.


End file.
